Bitter
by Acherona
Summary: Who knew that the taste of love would be so bitter? I didn’t and for that I’m glad. It’s bitter and vile and it corrodes my insides until there’s nothing left but a black hole. I’m glad I didn’t know because if I had I would have never let you in…
1. Bitter

**Disclaimer** – I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of its characters and I'm not making any money of these writings.

**Beta'd** – Very much unbeta'd so please forgive my mistakes.

**AN** – _Just a small drabble written at 3 am. I was feeling blue and angsty and this is what came out…_

**Bitter.**

You're leaving. I guess I always knew you would…Funny that doesn't make it hurt any less. I should have seen it coming I suppose. You were always better than this. Everything here is small…Small town, small minds and no opportunities for one like you.

You radiate, you shine and cut through the dreary and grey darkness of everyday life. You burn and you blind me with your brightness. It makes me crawl back into the shadows that I know I'll never escape. Still I thought I could be your shadow, be the thing that made you burn brighter, I guess not.

I'm not like you; I can't speak four languages fluently and know how many decimals Pi have. But I do know every plane of your body. I can account for every freckle on your skin, I know that your eyes are cobalt blue when you're happy and almost a steely grey when you're pissed. I know that your hair is as soft as it looks and that you're biting you're lower lip when you're nervous. I know that you absolutely hate to be called short and that you fit perfectly in my arms. I know that your voice get low and hoarse when you scream my name and I know that the carpet matches the drapes. Does that count for anything? Or are they just more small, insignificant things to be left behind.

I realize that you're not cruel, you are doing what's best for you and I should be happy. I can't be though…You're leaving me behind.

Sometimes I wish you didn't burn so brightly, I wish you were grey and drab like the rest of us. But then you wouldn't be you and I wouldn't love you. I wish I could cage you, keep you here with me forever and stifle your dreams. You would hate me but maybe it would be worth it if you were here.

It sounds cliché and maybe it is but my life began when I met you. I don't know who I was before you touched me with your fire, lit me up to burn like you. Will my flame go out now? Will I fade back into the nothing where I came from and will you even care?

I love you. I can say it now that I know you won't hear it. I love you, your temper, your lips, every fucking strand of golden hair on your head…I love you.

Years from now, when you are someone, when the world has been touched by your light…Will you remember me then? Will you remember the lanky, awkward good for nothing redhead that always followed you with his eyes and would never amount to anything? It's probably greedy and selfish but I hope you will. I hope that sometimes you will stop in your perfect life and wonder what could have been.

I love you and I'm letting you go. That's the only thing I can give you…Your freedom. You always were better than this, better than me. It would be wrong to hold you back and to weigh you down. I'm older and I should know better. You have your whole life ahead of you and you should be free to live it. To find love over and over again and learn all there is to know. I want that for you…I really, truly do but it hurts so fucking much. I know that I'm sounding melodramatic and that if you were here you would probably roll your eyes…Hell I would. You're not dying and maybe someday I'll see you again but you won't be _mine_. I'm releasing you, cutting all bonds and it hurts.

The bitterness rises inside me like bile, drowning every sweet word and happy memory we've shared. You're leaving and I can't get out…I will never get out. Tomorrow, next week, next year and ten years from now you will find me right here. Working the same job, walking the same streets, seeing the same people. But you will be gone.

Spread your wings and fly baby. Test yourself everyday and strain your mind until you know everything.

I hope I made you happy. For the short time that you were mine and you burned just for me, smiled for me, cried for me and shared your dreams with me, I hope I was a good man.

Who knew that the taste of love would be so bitter? I didn't and for that I'm glad. It's bitter and vile and it corrodes my insides until there's nothing left but a black hole. I'm glad I didn't know because if I had I would have never let you in…And that would have been a tragedy.

I may be empty now but I regret nothing. I had you….You! We had each other, held each other and loved each other…Even if I never told you.

I'll never watch you sleep again; never see how your long lashes shadows your cheeks and how your nose scrunches up when you dream. I won't wake up with you in my arms or feel you clench around me as we make love in the moonlight. I wish I could say that it's okay and maybe someday it will be but right now I'm drowning. I'm drowning in my own bitterness and jealousy. Hopefully those feelings will fade…One day.

Make me proud out there beloved. Live, love, laugh and burn…Most of all burn. Burn as bright as the sun and chase away all the darkness.

Good bye. I won't say it to your face. I won't be there to see you off. I won't let you see a grown man break down.

Good bye my sunshine…

My burning flame…

My lover…

My best friend…

My Roxas…

**The End.**

**AN** – _Thank you so much for reading, I have a companion piece in Roxas POV…Let me know if you want to read it._


	2. Breath

**Disclaimer** – I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of its characters and I'm not making any money of these writings.

**Beta'd** – Very much unbeta'd so please forgive my mistakes.

**AN **– _So here it is, Roxas POV. I'm sorry I didn't have it out yesterday but as I read through it I realized it sucked…still do by the way but I hope it's a bit better now. Axel is so much easier to write. _

_Anyway, here's the conclusion to my Midnight angsting._

**Breath.**

I'm leaving. I have to, this place…This place is suffocating me, I can't breathe. Beady eyes following your every move, judging and nodding knowingly, secretly pleased when you fail. The only thing that's worthwhile and wonderful in the dump of a town is you…And you're not enough. Not anymore. I know that's a horrible thing to say but it's true.

Do you know that the first time I saw you, you took by breath away, I know I sound like such a girl admitting that but it's true. You were so sure of yourself, not caring at all how other people saw you. You just stood there tall and proud and magnificent. Then you looked at me, I still can't believe it but you _saw_ me and you pulled me out into your world of color, painted me red and gold and vibrant, just like you. After seeing the world through your eyes I could never go back to being a ghost. You breathed life into me.

You were the first to see me, to actually believe that I could be someone. You saw something in me that was invisible to everyone else, even me. You saw me. Not the shadow of the _right_ one, the good one, the one who was taken far too soon. You saw _me _and not the useless spare that was left behind.

Have I ever thanked you for that?

I doubt that I have, I'm good at pointing out your flaws but your greatness…I keep those virtues cradled in my hands, keep them close to me and stays silent about them. If you don't know how amazing you are, maybe then I could keep you. If you don't see your own greatness, then you wouldn't see the big fake I am. I am selfish and I wanted to keep you all to myself, to keep you bound only to me…And now I'm leaving.

Hey, I never claimed to be rational.

I'm scared; I'm so scared of going through with this. What if I fail, fall flat on my face and have to crawl back with my tail between my legs. Would you still want me if that was the case? Or would you turn your back with the rest of the world.

Ironically you made this happen. You gave me the courage to stand on my own two feet, to actually try. If it wasn't for you I'd still be in hiding, doing everything I could not to be noticed. Wrap myself in the grey shrouds of society, being one of the masses and fighting tooth and nail to get accepted, to not stand out.

Sometimes I pretend to be asleep, because I know you watch me then and I can feel your love. You have never said the words but I know, I have always known. You're not nearly as stoic and hard to read like you want to believe you are. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to open my eyes, wrap my arms around you and hold you close forever. But I know that if I did that you would leave, disappear like smoke through my fingers. You are a hard man to love, still I do and I always will.

I'm leaving for you too…It seems that with every brush of color you have painted on me you fade into the background. I can't do that to you. You are meant to shine. I hold you down and I know it. It's time for me to cut the strings, I have made myself depend on you and I hate it.

It stops here. I will leave and I will learn and I will grow. Someday I will be someone you can be proud of. Someone who can stand beside you and make you shine, give you color instead of draining them away.

I'm not rejecting you by leaving. I hope you understand that. I can't stay…I really can't stay and you _won't_ leave. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Wild and strong, kind and brave. But then again, if you saw that…why would you have ever glanced at me in the first place? Me who's just a reflection of your light. You lit the flame in me but if I stay now will smother each other until there's only ashes left. I want us both of us to become strong, to make the fire brighter.

I love you.

I adore you.

I need you.

That's why I'm leaving. I don't want to need you, to live of your courage like some kind of leech. You catch me if I fall, you straighten my back when I've been broken down and you raise me higher than I've ever been. So I can't stay…I can't depend on you to make my life shine anymore.

I will go away, leave you behind…I will prove myself and I will become.

Don't think that I'm giving up on you, letting you go. You are mine! I have claimed you and I'll never let go.

That scares you, I know it does.

I am a selfish, selfish creature. I can't be with you right now but don't delude yourself into believing you'll be free when I'm gone.

Maybe I can come back one day. When I can breathe again.

One day. It might be soon and it might be years from now…Or it might never happen. If I did come back, I know you'd be here. 'Cause secretly you want me to come back. At least I hope you do. Maybe you don't even care. Perhaps I'm the one who has been fooling myself all along; wrapped in my obsession with you, turning you into a fantasy, someone who's not real. Just like I'm not real. A reflection of a distorted image and a fractured one at that.

Perhaps me leaving can put the pieces of who I am back together and I won't have to borrow colors from others to exist. Then I can shine on my own.

I hope that one day you'll see it.

Axel….even your name has attitude…And it's carved into my heart. Axel…No room for anyone else.

I see that you're not here…your shining being and spiky hair is missing from the mass of faceless people bidding me goodbye. When did they start to care? Maybe it's good you're not here, if I saw you I would waver. Locked in your gaze I would want to hit you, scream at you, throw you to the ground and to devour you until we were truly one and this awful pit of despair inside me disappeared for ever.

Coward!

Asshole!

Lover!

See, calling you names are easy but really, truly treasuring you…I can't do that now. I love you though; I love you more than the air I breathe. And so I'm suffocating. I love you but I cannot stay. My love for you is burning too bright, too intense and I don't believe either one of us is capable of taming it.

Love turns to pain in my hands…and I won't scar you anymore.

I'm leaving now, to learn how to breathe.

So for now my dearest loved one, for now it's goodbye. I have grown greedy and I can't feed of your colors and your strength anymore. I want my own rainbow and I want my own sky, I want to _soar._

Good bye.

My Axel.

**The End.**

**AN** – _Thank you so much for reading._


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